CaptivatingCuriosity

I Believe

I believe in being transparent. I believe in being the only thing I can be - me. I believe in knowledge, wisdom, understanding, and their pursuit. I believe in sharing these quests with others and do so very openly and honestly. Through my love for transparency, my quest for wisdom, and my desire to understand God, His Son, His Spirit, and the world around me, I hope to open my thoughts to others so that they may be challenged to grow too. I will always be Captivating Curiosity.

My Family

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Growing up, my family was close. Very close. We spent a lot of time together - holidays, weeks in the summer, camping trips, birthdays, and other events. Now for most people, they consider their parents and siblings their "family" but for me, when people would ask me who my family was, I'd list them all off: my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, my grandma, my mom, and my dog Sam. That was my family. My extended family WAS my family

Growing up in a single parent family, and as an only child, the people I had in my life were more valuable than any material possessions we had (or didn't have, for that matter).

My family was my world. The love, time, and affection they gave me was priceless. My grandmother was my rock. Her love, affection, wisdom, and time she gave, were treasures that only I could share with her and nobody else. My aunts were my world...they treated me with such great love, any girl would have been jealous to be in my position. My uncles joking and lovable natures made them the only positive men I had in my life. My two older cousins, I marveled at and looked up to as older brothers, even though they never knew it. And my younger cousin, he was my friend, my playmate, and my equal. We spent so much time together, learning to share, enjoying each others playful natures, and being kids together. I was the only girl and I loved it.

I loved my family. I still do. (There's more...click here)
As time does, it changes families. With my cousins and myself growing up, people moving out of state, and grandma's passing away in 2007, our family has changed. No longer do we spend holidays, birthdays, or weeks of summer fun together. Instead, our contacts exist through email and phone and occasional visits.

I can't lie, it grieves my heart. When I look to the past, I begin to miss what we did have. I miss the fun, the love, the affection, the attention. I miss how my cousins used to pick on me and wouldn't let me play with their boy toys because i was a girl. I miss sitting in front of the tv watching the Brady Bunch while we ate breakfast together. I miss swimming in the pool and learning how to dive. I miss camping in the rain while our tent flooded with water and we all hovered on the only thing above water - the air mattress. I miss it. I miss my family.

But I am grateful. I am grateful for their love. For all that they were to me and still are to this day. I am grateful that they helped raise me. My mother couldn't have done it without them! Nor would I be who I am today without them.

I love you, My Family.

posted by tobepink @ 4:15 PM 2 comments

Nostalgia-My Teen Idols

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Wow, can you say feeling like your 12 again?! Last night I went to the NKOTB concert with my roommate and a friend. (For those of you who don't know, that would be the New Kids On The Block.) We were very excited as they were a favorite band of ours from childhood. And so was the case for the thousands of other 30-somethings women who packed the arena. I was amazed by how many women still had their original NKOTB apparel, buttons, and nostalgic goodies. Some were dressed in legwarmers, leggings, and flourscent colors with their side ponytails bobbing around as they giddily ventured into the Xcel Energy Center. It was, as a fan poster read, "NKOTB Stalkerfest". There were smatterings of men and young women under 20 but most wee 30-something womens. As the band played Donnie, one of the members, stated, "15 years ago we would look out all of you and young girls stared back at us and today we see women drinking beer and pregnant!" What struck me more than anything, however, was when the band got on stage and started singing, "The Right Stuff". My eyes...watered! Ok, I teared up a bit!! I was surprised by that reaction. I felt like I did when I was younger, watching the New Kids at their Fourth of July Concert on July 4, 1990 at Harriet Island in Saint Paul as a fan crazed 12 year old again!I had NO idea that the memories would come flooding back including the feelings from that time! I was enamored. I sang along to all the songs I knew, danced in front of my seat, and even did some of the classic NKOTB moves. It was a thrill. A trip down memory lane. Thanks, NKOTB for making me feel like a kid again.

posted by tobepink @ 11:30 AM 0 comments

A Covenant With God

Monday, October 20, 2008

I read an amazing article by Francis Frangipane about making a covenant with God. I wanted to share it with you as I believe it is well worth the read! I found it on The Elijah List.

Click here to read: Those Who Make A Covenant With God

posted by tobepink @ 11:16 PM 0 comments

And The 3 Shall Become 2

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Well, I received an answer to one of my possible directions.

"We have chosen somebody else for the position."

Those words neither stung nor were they the deliverer of disappointing news. In fact, a sense of relief set in. No longer did I need to figure out whether or not I would accept this position nor did I need to determine what door to walk through. As I prayed for weeks for God to shut any doors he wanted shut, this door to the county was shut.

My 3 options have now become 2.

Once again, the Lord reminds me who is Lord...not me but Him.

"Trust me, Jamie."

Obviously my future is not in my hands. It is in His. What I need to do is trust Him to show me. As He so often proves, He knows what He is doing better than I ever will.
He knows where He wants me to go and I am, simply, clueless.

But I'm beginning to become more and more okay with that. I trust my God. He created me - he molded me in my mother's womb; he set a future before me with a huge dream for what I will do and who I will become. I am grateful that I am in His hands and not my own.

As the future comes closer and closer to the present, I excitedly and anxiously await where the Lord will bring me. Daily I remind myself who is in control and daily I am thankful that it is not me.

posted by tobepink @ 1:20 PM 2 comments

"Trust Me" - God

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

With all of the chaos going on in my life lately, mostly in my adventures into creating a non-profit, I've been contemplating my current and future steps. It has not been an easy journey and yet it has not been traveled in vain.

With the obvious struggles in our economy, it is no wonder that adequate funding sources are lacking right now for new ventures into the non-profit sector. No doubt, the moral support is abounding and the referrals are without lack and yet our struggles to stay afloat financially are a concern; not only for my own pocket book but those who have the program's best interest at hand.

However, I am encouraged when I hear from the county and schools how supportive they are of our ventures and yet I'm discouraged with the lack of financial support we are currently receiving. I am, however, very grateful for the past support in getting our organization off the ground.

However, without current and future funding, we will unfortunately be unable to maintain the level of programming that we currently have. And I, out of obvious necessity, must determine what my next steps may be.

So I venture off into the world to see what my options are, although fear is close behind me. Having trusted God with directing my life to where it is today, I am at a crossroads in which no clear direction is present.

"I don't want to fall out of your will, God. Please show me where you want to go". That has been my latest and most frequent prayer.

I've spent much time lately exploring my options. Venture into the secular realm, such as the county, or return to a former employer who has made me a very generous offer? What do I do?

With the multitude of options, I've come to realize that my exploring has not been in vain. Without expecting any response, I applied for a job at the county where it is very difficult to get an interview. Much to my shock, I was contacted for an interview only two short days after applying for a financially generous position with the local juvenile detention center. With anxiety and uncertainty close on my tail, I spent 4 days preparing myself for this huge opportunity. The day of the interview, I felt quite confident in my abilities and presentation. Although, as I sat in the waiting room, my anxiety level raised slightly. Gratefully, though, not enough to debilitate me. When I entered the room consisting of four male interviewers, my confidence level sored. After answering 9 fairly obvious and easy questions, I left that room feeling more confidence than I have felt in a long time.

It was then that I realized: It didn't matter if I got another interview for this job; it didn't matter if I said what they wanted to say; it didn't matter if i impressed them. What mattered is that I presented myself in the best way I knew possible, I was true to myself, and I was confident in my abilities. I was myself! I didn't try to impress anyone or sway them into hiring me. I was simply and most absolutely...me.

Not long after that meeting, I heard from a former employer that they wanted me to return. And with some very generous benefits. My confusion and uncertainty set in, once again. Three possible roads, not clear which road to travel down.

Regardless of the confusion and uncertainty of which road God desires me to travel down, I continue to learn more and more about myself. I continue to be developed into the woman that God created me to be. And if that is the only thing that I get out of this adventure, then I can be satisfied.

"Trust me".

I will, Lord.

I will trust you.

I will trust you to bring me down the path you have created for me.

I will trust you to show me who you created me to be.

Thank you, Jesus, for never giving up on me.

posted by tobepink @ 2:20 AM 1 comments

Out of This World

2/4/06

This life is hopeless,
This plan is fake,
I feel like I’m running,
And I can’t get a break.

For all I see is darkness,
The world is filled with pain,
Of sorrow and strife,
And endless rain.

I don’t think I can do it,
I don’t want to stay in
This valley of darkness,
This life with great sin.

I feel like I’m ready,
To move out of this world,
To grasp new realities,
And find a new home.

I want to be with you,
I want to be free,
I want to be your child,
As you created me to be.

I want to run in green pastures,
And dance on great lakes,
Live in your creation,
And dwell in its space.

I’ll say goodbye to this world,
Move out of this place,
Jump into your arms,
And dwell in your grace.

I’ll be your child,
Forevermore,
No longer a slave
To the sins of this world.

Here I am, Lord Jesus,
Take me as you please,
Make me your child,
As you created me to be.

posted by tobepink @ 2:17 AM 0 comments

Mend Me

Poem I wrote on July 30, 2006

You knew my heart,
You knew my ways,
You knew my love,
You knew my grace.

You held me firmly,
You tightened your embrace,
Then you changed your mind,
And left in great haste.

You disappeared,
You left me here,
To wonder why, how, and where.

You didn’t explain your change of heart,
You left me alone so you could depart.

You broke my heart,
You changed my ways,
You stole my love,
You damaged my grace.

You’ll forever impact my future plans,
You’ll make me question each and every man.

But thankfully I know someone true,
Someone who loves me, someone who won’t leave me like you do.

He’ll mend my heart,
He’ll repair my seams,
He’ll help me love again,
He’ll help me to dream great dreams.

I’m thankful Lord,
For your love, so true,
For you’ll never leave,
And you’ll take away the blue.

You’ll replace it with love,
Through the warmth of your embrace,
You’ll make me whole again,
And restore me with your grace.

Thank you Lord for loving me so,
For taking the time to repair this great hole.

Thank you Lord, for mending my seams,
For repairing this heart and restoring my dreams.

I’m thankful for you, this is true,
You’re my Love, my Salvation, and my Savior when I am blue.

posted by tobepink @ 12:38 AM 0 comments

Surrender

Poem Written on 1/30/06

Tell me,

What do you want from me?
Where do you want me to go?
If you want me to follow you,
Then I need to know…

How far do you want me to travel,
What battles do I have to fight,
Where am I to rest my head
When I haven’t got the might.

I want to be your lady,
I desire to be your queen,
But I’m not sure if you’ve chosen the right person,
Not even sure if you know where I’ve been.

You see I haven’t exactly lived righteously,
Rather I’ve been in great strife,
For I’ve chosen to live self-centered,
And I’ve lived to pursue dark nights.

I’ve dabbled in the sins of the world,
I’ve foolishly danced with the prince of the night,
I’ve given into temptations,
And I don’t put up much of a fight.

Now I know that you are loving,
And I know that your word stands true,
So in order to follow your message,
There’s only one thing left to do.

I accept your forgiveness,
I’ll take this new life,
I’ll turn from the darkness,
And walk into the light.

I’ll fight the strong battle,
I’ll surrender to you my life,
I’ll share your love with others,
And I’ll try to be your light.

Your forgiveness is refreshing,
Your direction is so right,
Entrust me Lord Jesus,
And I’ll be your queen tonight.

posted by tobepink @ 12:33 AM 0 comments

Hidden in the Darkness, Exposed by the Light

12/8/06

Do you know how hard it is for me,
To let you in,
To let you see,
All there is inside of me?

I’ve been battered and bruised,
Abandoned and used,
My heart’s been trampled,
My good will’s been abused.

An ugly picture has been drawn from the start,
It’s been engraved in my head
And stained to my heart,
Like a black cloud of rain that doesn’t depart.

You mustn’t know what lurks inside,
It’s a place too lonely, dark, and dry.
I keep it hidden within this great life,
So you’ll never know what causes this strife.

There’s more to this girl than you shall know,
It’s hidden deep inside of me where most cannot go.
And there it stays for no one to see,
But my Lord, my God, and my Savior to be.

He’ll expose my wounds from the very start,
By shining his light deep into the dark.
He’ll heal them and bandage them,
He’ll take away the pain,
By allowing the light to come into the rain.

He’ll restore my weaknesses,
He’ll mend my seams,
He’ll make me whole as he created me to be.

No more will I live with these wounds that I’ve seen,
Though they’ll leave a great impression deep inside of me.
They’ll cause me to seek, kill, and destroy,
All those things that dwell within deep dark and lonely nights.

I’ll reach out to those who’ve experienced this pain,
I’ll give them my love and show them the way
To a Lord that is faithful, a Savior that’s true,
To a Love that will heal them and make them anew.

posted by tobepink @ 12:30 AM 0 comments

Use Me

5/28/2007

Blessed Savior,
To you I bow,
I surrender my life,
I give you my all.

For what you plan
Is my desire,
The life that you direct,
Only you can empower.

I’ll will walk with you forever,
Day and night,
I’ll follow in your shadow, and reflect your light.

You’re my Savior,
Dear Lord,
You’re my Knight in bright white,
You’re the one that I desire,
You’re the one that’s so right.

You’ll fight the dark battles,
by overcoming them with light,
You’ll make me your child,
And transform me each night.

To know you,
Dear Jesus,
For each I do wish,
That all persons I meet,
Will experience your bliss.

Change me, Lord Jesus,
Like a mirror of light,
That shines your loving grace,
And draws others to your side.

Restore your children, our Savior,
Draw them back to you,
Show them your love,
Your will, and your truth.

Use me, Heavenly Father,
To do your will,
I surrender my all,
For your children and you.

posted by tobepink @ 12:25 AM 1 comments

About Me

Name: tobepink
About Me: 32 year old female, Christian, Writer, Poet, Reader, Learner, Speaker, Leader, Mentor, Teacher, Daughter, Friend, Fiance

"You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind" -Matthew 22:37

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